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we accidentally the whole marriage

this is the story of two friends who decided to get married because we thought it'd be funny. we're not in a relationship and this is a completely platonic marriage built on irony, puns, and high-fives. we sleep with other people and have other relationships that are a lot more real than the government says ours is. but we're still married and it's still funny, so here are our married adventures.

Another helpful graph, to assist in understanding the wife’s musical preferences.

(via yesysabella)

Internet, you know me all too well.

had to fill out one of these today during a lease application because the lady at the apartment complex didn’t ‘get’ my marriage. these heteronormative cis-marriage stereotypes are really bringing me down. do they not teach irony in schools anymore?

can this marriage get even zanier? how hard will it be to keep a straight face for the judge? will they let Blood Eagle DJ the divorce hearing? stay tuned for the answers to these questions and more in the made-for-TV movie starring Ashton Kitcher!

mIek’s martal toops;

If yer guna BLORP a BLOOPS, maek sire them ins’t to manie of the HUFF or GUH down thar becusae then u culd git a hed thign lyk i ddi and nao type si hard! gud lukc evrabady :::)

“I always knew that if my wife could attract anything, it’s flies.”

loving words from the husband after I told him a fly flew into my mouth while yelling at him over the phone.

Texting With The Husband: A Series (Pt. III)

Mike: we have to be ponies at Bonnaroo
Mike: I stampneed your help with ponie costume so we can partie til our throats are horse
Alina: I'll haylp you, without foal.
Mike: Clip clop don't stop
Mike: It would behoove us to dress well
Alina: can't wait to horse around with our neighbors
Mike: Hay guys, come to the ponie partie!
Mike: CAN WE BE THE GUYS FROM NEIGHSAYER?
Alina: no equine left behind
Alina: I wanna be the band of horses :(
Alina: I hope Lana del hay gets added to the lineup
Mike: Sunburned hand of the band band of horses the man
Alina: I phffhddgfjfhfff
Alina: Sarah Jessica Parker
Mike: Two gallops
Mike: Kentucky derpy
Alina: bonnahoof
Mike: Dude are you excited for that band we saw at Moogfest, Saddles?
Mike: St. Vincemint Julips as well?
Alina: I'm most excited for the red trot chilli peppers
Alina: but manger lazer will be great too
Mike: yeah, they're headlining with radioheard
Mike: isn't that the electronic group with diplonie, hitch, and barn boi?
Alina: I think I oat to go to the horsepital for that pun
Mike: just make sure you're ready for barnahoof
Alina: this is becoming a nightmare please stop
Mike: dubstep superstar Saltlix will be there and I hear he goes oatfully hard
Alina: my brain is already a bale of hay I can't take this
Mike: can't stop oat stop
Alina: bonnaroo 2012: NEEEEIGHHHDSKFSDFHSDFGOODVIBRATIONS
Mike: Dude vibehayshins

Texting With The Husband: A Series (Part II)

me: I think my metamorphosis into a drag queen is nearing completion. the other night two gay guys called me 'very pretty', then today ***** ***** called me pretty and the guy from the yum yum cupcake truck complimented my 'ensemble'.
Mike: Things get real on valentines day when Alina finally reveals that she is a man trapped in a woman trapped in a drag queen's body. can mike handle the befuddled betrothed or is he too heretonormative for these hijinks? Stay tuned.
Mike: PS I'm really a woman.
Mike: PS I'm not really a woman, I'm a horse.
Mike: PS I'm not really a horse, I'm a broom. *falls over*
me: and then we find out it's all been a nightmarish acid trip directed by David Lynch.
me: and then suicide.